Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

I have a place for everything. The floor.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again