Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
You Might Also Like
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it