Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
You Might Also Like
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture