Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

secret recipe

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

My dream car is a taco truck.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?