Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
weddings should have a worst man
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Support your local cemetery
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
What a year we’ve had this week.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”