Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.