Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep