Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison