Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket