Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal