Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT