Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
You Might Also Like
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.