Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
You Might Also Like
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters