went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
I mean…but I did
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt