Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

I’m giving up ice.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.