Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
men are simple creatures
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group