Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Need this in my life lol

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

thoughts?

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”