Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

😭😭😭

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

ㅤ

🦝🔥🦝🔥

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

Are we there yet?…

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?