Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds