Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

Choose your fighter

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.