Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.