Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.