Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

Whoa… oh I see lol

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday