Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

Stop sending me this shit.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’