Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

😝

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Jail

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.