Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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😜
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*