Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
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Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.