Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave