went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
