went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Smile they said.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
