Went to the grocery store hungry and now I own a grocery store.
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
When someone says you are so lazy
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Britain be like
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.