Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Phones down.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after