Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
You Might Also Like
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Grandmother clock.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.