Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
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Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.