Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
still the best tweet of the year by far
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
A friend sent me this.