Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed