Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

s
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Happy birthday to all the women

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Baking is just science you can eat.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.