went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
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‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
called in thicc to work this morning
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.