Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

Botany good plants lately?

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

This trial is so absurd 😭

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.