Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
*frowns in Scottish*
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Spring of Deception
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”