Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line