Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
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me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Lmfaoooooo
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed