Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Well, that should do it
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The three genders
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
2022 will be better than 2021
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.