went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.