went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
#DesignFail
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party