Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Duck typos.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
