Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
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Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
i really liked this one
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Generation gap…
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
That’s what I call a flat tire
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!