Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
doing some research
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
When you don’t understand how floors work
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.