Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
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Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
felt that
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”