went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Planet of the Apps.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”