went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Uh oh…
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey