Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
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I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.