Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
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Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
this year felt like being awake during surgery
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.