Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards