Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

the chicken was already gone when I got here

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.