Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”