Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
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me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
*cough*
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
But I really needed water water water
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.