Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Dishonest mechanic?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.