Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
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never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids