Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…