Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!