Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
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The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
That’s not how days work.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST