“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.