“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!