Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.