We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing