Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

Me, reading some of your tweets

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?