Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.