We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
dam girl
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
What the hell happened in there??
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
forgive me baja for i have blast
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.